Lifestreaming

A Nightmare.

2009-07-01T15:50:00.026+05:30

I was so happy until this afternoon...I had completely forgotten about you...when out of nowhere you appeared right in front of my eyes...It felt like a shot in the gut...Unexpectedly, all the hatred inside of me died the instant I looked at you...You looked the same as I remembered you...the same strikingly handsome face with menacing brown eyes...Yet, you still looked absolutely guiltless, as always...You opened your mouth to speak and instantly all the other sounds in the room were drowned out by your assertive voice...And I got completely lost in the words flowing outta your mouth into my ears, overwhelming my senses and my mind, completely...You didn't even have the decency to apologise for all the humiliation you made me go through in the past...Instead, you were commanding me to come back to you...I was dumbstruck to see such a courageous display of your guts...You said it so subtly that it looked like you already know what I was desperate to hear...But it wasn't what I wanted to hear...I kept on looking into your eyes...unblinking! My mind was a terrible muddle yet so crystal clear...You could see right through me...You very well knew what am I gonna do next...So you extended your right hand towards me...And I weakened...I reached towards your extended hand & you closed your hand around mine and pulled me close to yourself...held me in your arms...looked at my face...I could feel your breath on my face...My cheeks reddened and my breathing hastened...I could feel my heart fluttering wildly inside of me...Then you made me look into your eyes & you spoke in a hushed voice..."hey darling...I want you back!" My mouth went dry...I bit my lip in anxiety...In an instant your mouth was over mine...you forced my mouth open...your tongue touching mine...exploring my mouth...sucking my lips...licking them up...I was breathless...but you did not stop...you wanted me to surrender to you completely...to forget everything else & to get lost in the moment...your left hand moved up my back, up my neck, in my hair...you pulled them hard & bit my lower lip...the blood oozed outta it...I tried to push you away but you did not budge...you kept on sucking my lips, with your tongue wandering inside my mouth...I kept on fighting you to release me...My knees were becoming weak...My vision was in a blur...Your face didn't look handsome anymore, it looked ghastly...When you saw tears rolling down my cheeks, your grip loosened...you looked at me with questioning eyes...But I didn't have to speak this time...My look held an answer to your question...This time I am not gonna weaken...I am not gonna surrender to you...I can't forget that excruciating pain you made me go through...And then I woke up with a start, soaking wet with sweat...My mouth was dry...It took me a few minutes to understand that it was just a dream...a nightmare...it wasn't real...I poured myself a glass of water to calm myself down...I sat down on my bed...then I realised that I am no longer threatened by your presence...No longer afraid of crossing your path ever again in future...But still I don't wanna see you again...never ever!

Hopes, Cobwebbed!

2009-05-28T23:05:00.000+05:30

I hoped that someday everything would become fine...I prayed to God every day every night with a faith, unaltered, though wavering at times. I don't doubt His existence, I know it because I have felt His arms wrapped around me whenever I broke down, still whenever I go to visit Him (at places of worship), I never fail to fight with Him or question His existence.

I hoped for good things...for happiness galore...for undying love...for unselfish relations...for a beautiful life. He fulfilled my several dreams...listened to hundreds of my prayers...but He never gave me what I wanted the most...Peace of Mind. Each & every night I go off to sleep worrying about the same things...and wake up each morning to the same kind of life...nothing has changed in the past 15 years of my life...it has hardly improved, it only worsened as the years passed.

A string of events happened in the past few years which shook my faith in Him & sucked the happiness out of my life. I was too naive to understand why it all happened & its repercussions but when I did, I looked up to Him for His benevolence, which sure acts as a buffer to some extent. Though God never gives us anything we can't handle and I try to do everything to make things alright but somehow all my efforts go in vain. Then again I look up to Him, for him to hold my hand & guide me onto the right path, to help me make all the wrongs, right...& to be able to lead a better life. It all affects me internally & rarely shows on the outside & even when it does then it doesn't cause me much discomfort to lie (the art I have mastered in the past several years) to satisfy a few raised eyebrows.

I share a respect-hate relationship with Him, I know He is the only one on whom I can depend in the most testing of times but at the same time I fight with Him for not listening to my prayers, ignoring my constant appeals & tears in my helpless eyes. Irrespective of this, my faith in Him has remained intact because if my faith falters then my hopes wil die with it too...Hopes for a life better than I am living now, but somewhere in my heart I am aware that its gonna take helluva time, maybe the whole of my lifetime or maybe never in this lifetime.

I don't know what He has in store for me in future but the way things are going these days, the future doesn't seem any brighter either. My hopes are being enveloped by cobwebs now. Maybe I am also not giving it my best shot so I don't want to stop trying because I once read this quote somewhere : "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all".

Therfore I look up to you God for your guidance & benevolence and I thank you for being my only support system in all these years.

3 Stories...similar ending...How many more are there?

2009-01-17T00:33:00.001+05:30

Since I have seen my friend, Champ, go through exactly the same phase from which it took me, ummm....to be precise, 5 months to come out of, I have been in a quandary. And So it isn't hard for me to understand what exactly his feelings are now.

His story is the same as mine (obviously wid 1 or 2 exceptions) & it goes something like this -

Champ met his gal (Meen)...via facebook. He chatted with his so-called "love of her life" on the internet a few times, then moved over to texting & then talking on the phone & finally decided to meet. The first meeting was followed by frequent meetings which ultimately led to the development of mutual feelings of liking for each other. And the rest, as we call it, is History!

Now here is the most destructive part of the story... Meen didn't exactly know how she felt for Champ because she still could not let go of her ex-bf, so now she's being real MEAN to him. She tries to avoid him & hurt his sentiments. And now Champ is exactly in the same spot where I was 5 months ago. I tried to reason with him, did all that I could to make him see the whole picture & get him outta this whole damn thing. But, guess, he isn't able to accept the fact & is basically afraid to lose her (as I used to be).

He calls her, his true love ,as I still call him, my true love. And now this seems the right time to get to the 2nd Love story, Rusha's story...

FLASHBACK...'Rusha met her first bf when she was in her 1st year of college, they fell in love, got into a relationship, the guy promised to marry her, his parents knew about Rusha & accepted her willingly in their family, Rusha didn't leave any stone unturned in the relationship & did all that a married woman does for her husband (ya ya...karva chauth fasts & stuff)....Her relationship lasted 3 long years & after which her bf suddenly disappeared from her life (just like he disappeared from mine). He was her true love who caused her the most agonizing of pains & put a THE END to the whole story'....Phew!!!

And for the 3rd story, which is mine, refer to my previous blog entry.

3 love stories with a similar ending...! How many more are there??

Grappling with these 3 true stories, made me realise that it is not neccessary that we get to spend our whole life with the one we fell truly in love with, but what we should understand is the fact that it is more important for us to get an opportunity to experience this feeling called "Love", it doesn't matter how devastating it is or it was, but now when we look back in our lives, we have some wonderful moments to rejoice about, sometimes with & sometimes without any qualms.

So to epitomize, as the saying goes..."True love happens once in a lifetime"... I say, True love may happen once in a lifetime but Love can and it does happen more than once. And each time you fall prey to it, live it while enjoying every moment of it until the time comes to let go off it...Never shut the doors to your heart, what if you couldn't hear the knock on it by the one you longed for & dreamt of, when the time finally comes for you both to meet....

P.S.

*Rusha & Champ, You two mean a lot to me & by writing your stories in my blog, I don't mean to offend you in any way. And I am sure you both will understand. Luv ya both, truly.
*Also Rusha has moved on, now she has a wonderful boyfriend, who is abso-fuckin-lutely in love with her.

*And Champ has accepted & understood the hard fact (courtesy : my story & experience) & has moved on leaving MEEN behind in her MEAN little world.

The Love that weakened me!

2009-01-11T02:45:00.000+05:30

As I stood on the terrace tonight and looked at the spectacularly-lit night sky, with the brilliant light of the full-moon & innumerable stars, I started counting the days during which I did nothing else, but sulk, cry & blame my destiny, because of someone who did not value my unconditional love for him. And the number of days were exactly equal to the number of stars in the sky...Too many to be calculated.

Months have gone by since I last met him...but I can still recall each & every damn thing that happened, beginning with our first meeting to the last one, in my head very clearly. The paroxysm of grief that settled over me after he vanished (literally) from my life, devastated me internally to the core though I had to always put up a happy face infront of my parents, friends & other known people. Nobody could ever guess what was going on inside of me at that time except 2 of my friends...who understood & supported me throughout.

Life with him was a big picture puzzle, with some hidden & lost pieces which I am still not able to find, so as to juxtapose them & interpret the whole damn picture to learn his true motives behind his every move.

He took away everything from me with him. I became emotionally disconnected from everything that was going around me.

Though it took me numerous months to come out of it all, but in the end, I did become my old self again & a much more sensible person than before.

But I am still emotionally disconnected from things happening around me, the door to my heart is not able to open, I don't trust anyone now (what if someone breaks my trust again), though I have started telling PJs again with gusto, having fun, hanging out with friends, talking during the lectures, talking on the phone, & also I have regained my appetite & gained all the weight I lost & even more (which is something for me to worry about now), playing pool, the music has re-entered my life, my world. But.....

This love sucked all the emotions outta me, and what is now left of me is just..."a soul which wishes to love again but dare not".

The Big Chill Out!!!

2008-12-14T00:03:00.000+05:30

Chillin out wid friends at one of the most chilled out places in delhi on a breezily chillin night...whoa...could I have asked for anything more to lift my mood after the way my heart got crushed under my very own high expectations the very same week.

I starved myself the whole day (not literally, for me its all...psychological thingy), to save a lot of space in my tummy so that I could feast on the "Chicken Pasta in the Red wine sauce", one of the yummiest pasta dishes, that The Big Chill offers, out of the hundreds of other Italian delicacies (that pleases to the most refined palates) spanning its Newspaper-sized menu cards.

We gurls (Me, Rusha & Tini ) spent the whole evening shopping for Tini's dress (that she finally did wear in the night so all our efforts & sweat did not go in vain). And we were all ready by the time Ronzee (one of my closest frenz) came to pick us up. We gurls looked all smashing with brilliant kohled eyes & shimmering lips (courtesy : liquid diamonds by Maybelline) which perfectly complimented the dresses we wore, & with hair left open to loosely fall on to the shoulders. Kutkut (Tini's bf) joined us within seconds of Ronzee's arrival & after the necessary introductions between Ronzee & my frenz, we sped off to the Khan Market.

After choosing, eating & sharing with each other, four different kinds of Italian dishes from the menu, our tummies grumbled for more, so we ordered Irish Cream Cheesecake, one of its many heavenly (read orgasmic) desserts, an out-of-the world experience to satisfy our greedy tummies. We chatted, pulled each other's legs, cracked PJs (solely & wholly my copyright), laughed, ate, & had a helluva fun & I captured all these moments into my camera so as to cherish them later in my life when I'll be reminiscing these unforgettable days of college spent with my adorable frenz, having helluva fun, freedom, parties, night outs, adventures, booze,,, after we pass out from here & go our seperate ways to carve a niche for ourselves in our respectively chosen fields.

We drove around in the car & scanned the almost empty roads of Delhi, chit-chatted, danced to the beats of songs blaring out of the music system in Ronzee's car until he dropped us back to Tini's PG at around 1 in the night. By that time Rusha was so tired, that she had to literally drag her perfect pompy to Tini's room on the 2nd floor, unlike me & Tini, who were as fresh as The Morning Glory.

The Big Chill Out night ended but our dancing mood sufficed, so we (apart from Rusha) danced the whole night away to the beats of "Shanno Shanno...Get on the floor" & my current fav. "Hawa hawa ae hawa, khushboo luta de..." & finally we hit the bed, fully exhausted, at 3.30 in the morning.

There was only one thing which missed all the fun we had that night,... Smirnoff, Poor baby! We missed you too.

Crushed crush!

2008-12-09T01:14:00.000+05:30

Watching the late night show of the movie with the one you have a crush on is every teenager's dream come true & I could fulfill mine only after I had crossed my twenties & was about to complete my post grad. Wearing the right kinda clothes which could show off one's recently acquired curves very well...feeding popcorn to each other...holdin hands...talkin in each other's ears in hush hush tones sending tickling sensations right down your crush's spine... Looking at each other rather than watching the stupid flick... & so on & on....

But sadly none of this happened with me...Firstly, I did not get a chance to go out with him alone because we had 2 friends to provide us company though I would have preferred going alone with him. Secondly, we did not even sit together while watching the movie, let alone, hold hands. Thirdly, he did not utter a single word during the entire movie, which to a certain extent, pissed me off in addition to a few more instances... I didn't quite understand what had occupied his mind so much that he literally forgot that he was the one who asked me out for the movie in the first place, so he was supposed to sit with me & talk to me & not stare at that screen & pretend to enjoy such an awfully scripted & directed movie. Fourthly, we did not buy any popcorn so no sharing or feeding each other stuff. And finally, all my dreams came crashing down.

We hit it off with each other on such a good note the other night when we went out alone, & I was really looking forward to meet him again, but here I was staring right at the 70mm screen & admiring John Abraham instead of looking into his eyes.

The movie ended & so did the time that was initially supposed to be cherished & relished later on when he dropped me & my friend back to our place. He rushed outta the theatre & so did I... not because I was trying to keep pace with him but I just could not wait to get out in the open, under the starry sky, to see & let the moon illuminate my face with its brilliant sheen so as to overshadow the gloominess, my face reflected....

The story finished even before it started......But the flame is still burning inside of my heart.....

Undo, Backspace..and..Delete!

2008-11-07T23:34:00.000+05:30

While slowly sipping from the glass of Cosmopolitan & with the tips of my fingers rapidly firing away on to the keyboard, occasionally hitting "Undo", "backspace" & "Delete" at random trying to finish my assignment on time, i just stopped for a second to wonder that why can't our lives be also like our laptops, with intel pentium inside everything would have been much more simpler & technically processed and managed...!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a dumping zone, read Recycle Bin, right next to our heart to dump all the emotional garbage or baggage into it. No worries in the world to hide anything worth hiding from the world.

But then wouldn't it become too easy to forget someone or something which we don't want to rememeber due to varied reasons. It would just take a second to hit the Undo or Backspace or Delete buttons to reverse or erase what we think should not have happened or we think we do not want it to stay in our already overflowing memories.

But when we never delete good memories then why do we have to delete the bad ones. Each & everything that happens to us or with us or even with someone else makes us learn something outta it. Doesn't it? So if we delete every unwanted crap outta our life then won't we end up makin same mistakes again & again or going through the same agonizing times all over again..?

So why not just give these memories their apt place in our body, go off to sleep & greet each morning with a fresh & a heart-melting smile & begin afresh to make new memories, good or bad, doesn't matter till our brain is filtering & placing them appropriately in their designated places... Good ones in the Hard disk & Bad ones in the RAM.

Because what is Life without its timely shots of complexities, with each shot being an eclectic mix of wonderful & bitter tasting experiences.

Is it too difficult to differentiate Love from Lust???

2008-10-07T00:15:00.000+05:30

As I spend each & every moment, each day, reminiscing about the beautiful old times I spent with the one I loved, i keep on wondering back to this question that one of my friends asked me a few days back when I was playing Agony aunt to her woes, "Is it too difficult to diffrentiate Love from Lust?"

The dictionary definition of "Love" definitely makes it a little different from "Lust". But can we just stick to theories or definitions when we are in Love or when we are Lusting for somebody?

Until now I was not aware of this deep-rooted affection or feeling inside of me called Love, Though I have had my share of a few casual flings but I never felt that it was Love until that day when I met HIM who had the ability to sweep me off my feet with his magical capacities as in a fairy tale or a typical bollywood romantic masala flick.

Love is a sacred emotion, a genuine deep-rooted feeling of belongingness, of care. You really feel on top of the world, contented in every way unlike Lust.. Oh no, its not a cliche, it is what I understood when I discussed it with each & every person I met with or talked to in the past 2 months after my friend fired this Q at me.

Albeit, the people who could not differentiate between Love & Lust outnumbered those who could. But all these brainstorming sessions with random people made one thing very clear to me, Lust definitely overrules Love in this era of fast-paced life, one night stands, and where you change your boy/girl friend faster than you change your clothes in a day.If its Lust then it doesn't take more than a day to get over break-ups or you only break-up when you start Lusting for someone else or you break-up as soon as you stop lusting for your current flame...Basically a definitely NO STRINGS ATTACHED relation, actually it cannot be termed as a Relation or can it be??

If that is what Lust is then I realised LOVE is.... what happens ONCE in a lifetime, it is when you are ready to take the plunge...the BIG step, when the person you Love is included in your each prayer, each thought, when his/hers is the first thought to cross your mind when you wake up in the morning & the last thought before you sleep in the night, when your dreams are centered around the one you love.. and if he/she leaves you then you are ready to wait for him/her for the rest of your life to come back to you.... it is the kind of dream from which you never wanna wake up........

I don't know whether I interpreted the difference between Love & Lust successfully but this leaves me with another Question to ponder on... Whether the kind of LOVE, I explained in the previous para, really exists in today's world??